Life on the Outside

Today is Mother’s Day and, like so many, it has me thinking about my relationship with mom. A little background info here — In 2001, mom decided it was time to “retire” and came to Colorado for a few months to visit and look at living here in the Centennial State. Eight years later she is still here and still living with me. Sometimes that’s a wonderful thing and sometimes it’s not so wonderful.

My crazy, red-headed, Lucille-Ball channeling
mom in her early 70s (she\’ll kill me for
putting this out on the web)!

At times, I’ve tried to place myself in mom’s shoes. I would be lying if I said nuturing maternal instincts run strong in our family. While there’s no doubt mom loves me and my siblings, she doesn’t do well with dealing with illnesses, caring, the kind of nuturing kids need when sick. Make no mistake she’s there, but it lack some of the caring and compassion you might want.

But she’s come a huge way from my evil grandmother who never wanted children and made sure her kids knew it.  Sadly, my grandfather was equally abusive – only in a different way. The fact that my mother can even stand to be in her own skin is amazing. My sister loves her two children as well, but I often sensed a separateness between her and them.

I don’t think it really came to anyone’s surprise when I decided not to have children. I do think it was a surprise when I stuck to that as I approached, and then passed, the age of 40. I do wonder what my life would have been like had I decided to have children. I knew early on I just wasn’t cut out for motherhood. I’ve never liked children, never cooed over babies, never had that burning desire to procreate so many of my friends have had. And in all honesty, I’m far too selfish. I realized that having a child would just mean another screwed up adult somewhere down the road.

But back to mom.  Shortly after she arrived from Florida, I realized that although she was still incredibly independent there were some physical limitations that really meant she shouldn’t be living alone. While I absolutely love my mother there are times when she drives me up the wall. Which means I find myself warring with my conscience. There are many times where I want my freedom and independence back. I miss the quiet and solitude I had living alone for so many years. I also miss being able to come and go as I please without having to tell anyone, without having to worry about if someone else needs something, wants to go, will worry if I don’t come back for a day, etc.

But on the other hand, I love my mother, she’s a great listener and she’s been amazingly supportive during my multiple surgeries over the past five years and I couldn’t have gotten through them without her. As morbid as it may sound, I try to remember that she won’t be alive forever and it’s important to spend as much time with her as possible. She’s also a great friend and loves to go to the movies, shopping, for a walk and other activities.

Now, If I was wealthy, I could just buy a big house with a separate mother-in-law suite, hire someone to do all the household repairs and lawn work and live happily every after. But I’m not. In fact, after changing careers a little more than a year ago, I’m struggling to make it as a full-time editor and writer. Oh, well. Guess that’s just not how it was supposed to be.